How did i get genital herpes in a monogamous relationship

Dear Ann Landers: As a professional and a health-care provider, I feel I must respond to the woman who wrote about getting herpes. Unfortunately, too many people are unaware of the transmission routes possible with the herpes virus. This has led to placing blame, doubting faithfulness and accusations of affairs.

The woman who wrote said she and her husband had a fulfilling and active sex life. It may well have included oral-genital contact. A great many people are unaware that herpes can be transmitted through such sexual practices.

As a nurse who works in obstetrics and gynecology, I see many patients with a variety of misconceptions regarding herpes infections. Unfortunately, such ignorance has made them feel like social lepers, unclean and

unacceptable.

I do realize that some people who are promiscuous contact herpes through casual relationships, but many happily married people, totally monogamous, can get herpes too. Please let your readers know.

R.B.D., Wichita

Dear R.B.D.: I have been swamped with wonderfully informative letters on this subject. Thanks for yours. Read on:

Dear Ann Landers: I usually don`t write to newspaper people since I have five children, a 10-room house, a part-time job and a daughter getting married in August, but that poor woman who has genital herpes made me drop everything. I have had cold sores on my mouth and face for years. My husband is a physician. I learned from his medical literature to be especially careful about washing my hands before, as well as after, going to the bathroom to make sure I don`t give myself genital herpes. Also, it should be known that a cold sore virus can live in a person`s mouth for six weeks after the cold sore has disappeared.

From Paducah, Ky.: I am praying for the woman who has genital herpes and suspects that her husband has been fooling around. I know that scene very well because I have herpes and, after 25 years of a wonderful marriage, my husband thinks I have been unfaithful. I have offered to take a lie detector test, but he says, ''Don`t bother.'' Please, Ann, print some letters that will support my position. I swear I have never been with anyone else.

Dear Paducah: There is plenty of evidence of your innocence in today`s column. Make sure your husband sees it. If he is still unconvinced, he should talk to a doctor.

From Oakland: After 10 years of a good marriage I developed genital herpes out of the blue. I had never cheated on my husband and was floored when the doctor told me what I had. My first thought was that my husband had given it to me and I was furious. The doctor put an end to those suspicions when he asked me if I had had cold sores when I was a child. The answer was yes. He explained that the virus can lie dormant for years and surface during a period of stress. My brother had died three weeks before. Suddenly it all came together.

Albany, N.Y.: Please tell your readers that genital herpes can be an inconvenience, sometimes painful, definitely annoying, but very rarely is it a serious medical problem. Genital herpes has been around for a thousand years, and millions of Americans have it. With proper treatment and good counseling, if needed, genital herpes victims can lead a perfectly normal life. Anyone who wants more information can write to Herpes Resource Center, P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C., 27709. Please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

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Is life passing you by? Want to improve your social skills? Write for Ann Landers` new booklet, ''How to Make Friends and Stop Being Lonely.'' Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $4.15 (this includes postage and handling) to: Friends, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, Ill. 60611-0562. (In Canada, send $5.05.)

Updated May 16, 2019.

A surprising number of people you know probably have herpes.

Shocked? You shouldn’t be, since the virus is very common. According to the World Health Organization, 3.7 billion people under age 50 have herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) — that’s 67 percent of the global population in that age bracket. Another 417 million people (11 percent) between ages 15 and 49 worldwide have herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2).

Many people consider HSV-1 more benign, but it turns out there’s not much difference between the two types of virus. While it’s true that HSV-2 is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) and can cause genital sores or blisters, type 1 can do the same thing.

“One big misconception is that cold sores are caused by HSV-1 and genital herpes are always type 2, but that’s not always the case,” says Sarah Vensel, a physician assistant in San Francisco. “Cold sores are so common they’ve been normalized at this point. But genital herpes is sometimes the exact same virus — just in a different location.”

Not only is herpes incredibly common — it’s also totally manageable. Allow us to set your mind at ease and debunk three widespread herpes myths:

Myth #1: Only promiscuous people get herpes.

It turns out you can have herpes without knowing it, even in a monogamous relationship. That’s because even if there are no noticeable symptoms like small red bumps, white blisters, pain, or itching, you can still spread the viral cells and unknowingly infect a partner. So promiscuous or polyamorous people aren’t the only ones at risk.

The herpes virus is the most infectious just before, during, and after an outbreak — when blisters are present. But it also has ‘silent shedding’ between outbreaks, meaning the virus can spread at just about any time. And intercourse isn’t the only way to contract this sexually transmitted infection, often called an STI by clinicians. “The majority of new infections are HSV-1, passed from one person’s mouth to another person’s genitals during oral sex,” says Jill Grimes, MD, who wrote the book Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STIs.

“A lot of people are completely dumbfounded when they’re diagnosed because they didn’t know they could get HSV-1 on their genitals from oral sex,” adds Vensel. “I tell them, ‘Hey, look — this is normal and it’s okay. I know it sucks and you’re in pain, but it’s not the end of the world.'”

Condoms can reduce your herpes risk if they’re used correctly during vaginal, anal and oral sex, but they’re not foolproof. Herpes can be spread via skin to skin contact in areas that aren’t covered.

Myth #2: A blood test is the best way to know if you have herpes.

Blood tests are not always accurate and testing for herpes can be tricky. It can take two weeks to six months after being exposed to herpes before it is detected in the blood. To make matters more complicated, if you are low risk for herpes and asymptomatic, it increases your risk of a false positive result. Because of this, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends against routine testing for herpes unless you or your partner have symptoms. The most accurate test is when you are able to take a swab sample from a new herpes lesion, but often times the diagnosis is made by a clinician based on your history and report of symptoms.

Because the blood test can be expensive and inaccurate, it is not typically included in a sexually transmitted disease evaluation unless you ask your provider for it specifically.

In short, if you don’t have symptoms, you don’t necessarily need a blood test. If you do experience an outbreak, a skin swab — not a blood test — is your best bet for confirmation.

Myth #3: Your sex life is over.

While there’s no cure, herpes treatment is simple and can shorten or prevent outbreaks, so you can still have a love life.

“People have a disproportionate fear of herpes in relation to any other STI,” Grimes says. “They feel like their sex lives are ruined forever and that’s in no way the case.”

If you have the virus, your doctor may prescribe a medication like Zovirax or Valtrex to keep on hand in case of a flare-up. And if you experience outbreaks often, your provider may recommend daily dosing. However you treat it, it’s worth remembering that herpes is a condition to manage; it doesn’t define you.

“If you have to be ‘perfect’ for your new partner, that partner will be looking a very, very long time to find a match!” Grimes says. “Everyone has ‘something,’ and since one in six Americans between 14-49 have HSV-2, odds are very high that your next partner is in the same boat. The main issue is to have productive conversations around these issues.”

So there’s no reason for all the stigma and secrecy surrounding herpes, since it’s safe to assume more people have it than you think. And if you’re diagnosed with the virus, your provider will help you find a treatment plan that’s easy, effective, and fit for your lifestyle.

Michelle Konstantinovsky

Michelle Konstantinovsky is an experienced writer, regularly producing content on a variety of wellness-oriented topics ranging from breaking health news to fitness and nutrition. Michelle has a master’s degree from UC Berkeley’s Graduate School of Journalism and has written extensively on health and body image for outlets like O: The Oprah Magazine, Slate, SPIN.com, xoJane.com, and The Huffington Post. To read more of her work, visit www.michellekmedia.com.

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