The moment you realize that you're in love can really be the best feeling ever. It can make you feel powerful, motivated, and maybe even like you want to shout "Yaassss!" from the rooftops — especially when you're in love for the very first time. But what if your partner has been in love before? Does it mean anything about your relationship?
You'll never forget your first love, and it's nice to be someone's else's first, but it's not everything. I spoke with a relationship expert who helped me get a better understanding about what it means if you're not your partner's first love, but they are yours.
According to Alexandra Solomon, clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, staff therapist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, "it means no more and no less than you want it to. It is simply the truth of your relationship. It is just a fact." So, while it's easy to catch yourself overthinking the fact that your partner was in love with someone previously, it won't necessarily have any real implications for your current situation. But what should you do if it makes you feel self-conscious in the relationship?
If it bugs you, try to refocus your attention on how grateful you are to be in a loving relationship and how good it feels to be experiencing it for the first time. If you can't get past the fact that you aren't your SO's first love, Solomon recommends taking a step back and thinking about why it makes you feel so anxious. "Pay attention to the story that you map onto that fact and ... the story that your partner maps onto it," she says. Instead of creating a narrative in which their previous relationship means anything about your current love story, she suggests refocusing your thoughts to something like this: "I am not their first love, [but] I am so excited to explore the beauty and challenge of a relationship with them. I have no idea how this experience will play out between us, but I trust us to find our way."
Are you making yourself feel a little insecure by dwelling over the situation? Feelings of doubt and insecurity are completely normal, especially toward the beginning of a relationship. "Instead of beating yourself up for feeling self-conscious," Solomon says to take a minute and think about what your inner monologue is really telling you. "What is your self-consciousness saying?" When you evaluate the doubts running through your head, you might be able to look at the situation a bit more practically. As Solomon mentioned, your partner's history with the L word doesn't hold any deeper meaning than what you're giving it. Try to go easy on yourself and remember that your boo is choosing to be with you. This is your first time being in love — there's no rule book about how to feel, and no one expects you to be an expert at it, so don't be too hard on yourself. Also, your relationship with bae is completely different than what they had with their ex. Comparing the two is like apples and oranges.
Although it's probably easier said than done, it's worth trying to let go of the fear that either of your dating histories or difference of experiences will have any negative connotations. If you still can't let it go, Solomon says that "it might also be helpful to talk with your partner about your self-consciousness. Ask them how they feel about" the fact that they've been in love before you. A simple conversation might provide you with the reassurance you're looking for.
When any of these insecure thoughts pop up in your head, Solomon says that the best thing to do is "redirect your attention to the present moment. Because, guess what? You are the person who gets to share this moment with them! Let go, and savor what is right here, right now."
If your SO's relationship with their ex is truly over, you have nothing to fear. A person's first love won't necessarily be their greatest love. Remember that their relationship didn't work out for a reason. We all have different experiences and pasts — it's just a part of life, and that's completely OK. In fact, what we learn from previous romances often helps us have better relationships later in life. Try to enjoy the experience of falling in love with your boo. They love you too — and that's all that matters.
Cite This
Nikka Celeste, (2020, May 30). What’s the Psychology Behind First Love?. Psychreg on Relationship. //www.psychreg.org/psychology-first-love/
- First love is the first dose of addiction
- First love leaves an ‘imprint’ on the sensory areas of the brain
- Your first love affects all your relationships after
- Takeaway
Reading Time: 4 minutes
All of us have our first love. We either fall in love too young or too old but we all have our first love. That special someone who makes us experience love in an intense and special way for the very first time. Also, is it the kind of love that made us experience a different kind of hurt and pain for the first time? But have you ever wondered why first love is always special and difficult to forget? As the famous quote says: ‘First love never dies.’
First love is the first dose of addiction
According to the study carried out by Helen Fisher in 2005 on the fMRI of couples in love, romantic love is primarily a motivation system, rather than an emotion, that can be similar to what we experience during addiction.
There are several hormones and neurotransmitters that are involved or are being released when we are in love. These are oxytocin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.
Oxytocin, which is also called the ‘love hormone’, is responsible for feelings of attachment and intimacy. It helps bond people closer together, it’s what keeps some people monogamous, it can lower your inhibitions, and it can help you become more open and trusting of others. It is also the same chemical that bonds mothers and children.
Dopamine, on the other hand, is a neurotransmitter that is strongly associated with emotions, pleasure, and reward and in modulating the immune system. This is where the ‘addiction’ part of love comes in. When this hormone is released, it activates the reward centre of the brain that causes a ‘motivation-reward’ effect. Thus, we seek out the reward of love even through obstacles that may be dangerous or painful (a cheating partner, an abusive partner, etc.)
Norepinephrine is the drug that is used by medical experts to treat low blood pressure (hypotension) and heart diseases. It is similar to adrenaline and dopamine, which produces a racing heart and excitement. It is released in the first stages of love either lust or infatuation. According to Helen Fisher, these two chemicals – dopamine and norepinephrine – produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, and focused attention.
Researchers at UCL discovered that people in love have lower levels of serotonin (a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter which helps relay signals from one area of the brain to another). Low levels of serotonin are found in people diagnosed with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorders) which may be the reason why those in love ‘obsess’ about their partners.
First love leaves an ‘imprint’ on the sensory areas of the brain
Since there are multiple studies that confirmed that our brains experience ‘addiction’ when we’re in love, falling in love for the very first time is important because it is the foundation and, most of the time, we experience this kind of love during adolescence when our brain was still developing.
Cognitive scientists at MIT explain that we experience peak processing and memory power at around age 18 and this is the time when we experience a lot of firsts, including our first love.
Another psychologist also says that most people experience a ‘memory bump’ between the ages of 15 and 26. This memory bump happens at a time when we are experiencing all kinds of firsts, such as the first kiss, having sex, driving a car, etc. and later in life, these memories tend to be more impactful because they occurred when our memory was at its peak.
These memories leave hormonal imprints that cause the life-long effects we all experience. The hormonal interactions are imprinted in the sensory areas of the brain at a time when the neurological developments we are experiencing are forming who we are as individuals. Thus triggering us to recall our first love whenever we see them on social media, or whenever a certain song plays in your playlist that makes you remember him/her.
Your first love affects all your relationships after
According to April Davis, a matchmaker and founder of LUMA (Luxury Matchmaking), first love often feels so intense it could lead to someone believing that they loved their first more than others. They’ll long for the intense feelings they had when they were in their past relationship and look for that feeling in everyone they meet after. When they don’t find it, they might find themselves looking to rekindle things with their ex.
However, according to Davis, first love isn’t going to be the best or deepest love. It is because of the intensity of the first love that could translate someone to a feeling that they loved that person more in their memory.
Also, according to Davis: ‘Your first love will affect all your relationships after because of what it teaches you. For instance, you’ll learn for the first time that you can be wanted and desired. You’ll also learn how you want to be treated by another person. When you end the relationship, you’ll learn what heartbreak feels like.’ And as they say, there is no heartbreak that hits you like the first time.
According to a 2017 study, 71% of people are able to heal from a breakup within a span of three months after the relationship has ended. In this context, healing means self-rediscovery for the participants. Thus, creating the famous ‘three-month rule’ in a relationship.
Also, first love is often marked by a period of personal growth and development, a time of new experiences, and facing your fears. As a result, the relationship helps shape who you are and how you proceed through the world and may represent the first time you allowed someone else’s influence to have such a significant impact on who you are.
Takeaway
Remember, these are just several reasons why first love is hard to forget. However, just because your first love is hard to forget, it doesn’t mean that it’s the only true love you will ever have. For most people, it’s a learning experience. Take this experience as a lesson and as a sign pointing you on the right path in your journey of finding the right person.
Nikka Celeste is a relationship and wellness expert.
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