Saying no to someone with borderline personality disorder reddit

Q: How does a borderline react to no contact?

Along with high emotions - the borderline partners fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they wont be able to cope and will seek retribution.

Q: How do you respond to BPD provocation?

In summary, be relentlessly respectful of BPDs suffering, abilities, and values. Be humble without disrespecting yourself or your own well being. Be honest. Communicate an expectation that someone with BPD will be able to behave in a reasonable and cooperative manner, and play to his or her strengths.

When therapists started suggesting a borderline personality disorder diagnosis for me in late 2017, I remember questioning everything I ever thought about myself. I read posts on Reddit and Quora that used words like “toxic,” “psychopath,” and “monster” to describe people with this same diagnosis, and friends who previously described me as empathetic and kind suddenly ran for the hills as soon as I disclosed this highly controversial condition.

Table of Contents Show

What Is Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder?
Symptoms of Quiet BPD
Diagnosis of Quiet BPD
Causes of Quiet BPD
Complications of Quiet BPD
Treatment of Quiet BPD
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Schema Therapy
Psychiatric Medication
Mentalization Based Therapy (MBT)
Transference-Focused Therapy (TFP)
Coping With Quiet BPD
Helping Someone Cope With Quiet BPD
A Word From Verywell
How does a borderline react to no contact?
Do people with BPD Gaslight?
Do people with BPD get obsessed with people?
How do you respond to BPD provocation?

It took time, but eventually I learned how to be comfortable with my diagnosis. Unfortunately, those feelings I experienced in the early days of my diagnosis were quickly reignited as I saw the news about Amber Heard’s borderline personality disorder diagnosis during this week’s defamation trial with Johnny Depp.

Shannon Curry, the forensic psychologist who testified regarding Amber Heard’s mental health, used words like “destructive,” “dramatic,” and “unpredictable” to describe Heard. In fact, Curry even said that it’s “typical” for people with BPD to assault and abuse their partners or even go so far as to cry wolf and make up allegations like the allegations Heard has made against Depp.

Here’s the thing, though: Not everyone who lives with borderline personality disorder acts this way.

The fact that I received a borderline personality disorder diagnosis doesn’t instantly make me a bad person. The label itself doesn’t automatically mean I destroy everything in my path, and it definitely doesn’t mean I abuse my partners. In fact, there are lots of ways in which my symptoms pushed me to act in completely the opposite way.

I spent most of my life bending over backwards for others, trying to do anything and everything I could to make them happy so they wouldn’t abandon me. I would apologize for anything and everything, even if I wasn’t the one at fault. I would change pieces of myself anytime someone even implied they didn’t love everything about me, which meant I often lived inauthentically just so others would like me.

Furthermore, I felt everything so deeply that I often empathized with people in a way that no one else could. I became the go-to person when a friend needed to vent. I donated to every cause who asked without hesitation. In fact, I once even flew across the country with zero notice just so a friend would feel less alone in the hospital.

My passionate spirit moved me to put every ounce of energy I could muster into even the most mundane tasks. When I worked in retail, the managers said they could always rely on me to pitch in anywhere in the store or pick up extra shifts when people called out. When I taught in public schools, I volunteered to help with anything and everything going on in the school, which meant I frequently spent more hours in the school building than at home.

Now, I’m not saying that those behaviors made me a saint. I still had my fair share of moments I’m not proud of, and even my “positive qualities” were done at such an extreme that they absolutely were not healthy or sustainable. But, I don’t think there’s been a single moment in my life where I’ve done anything with the intention of harming others or defaming their character.

And that’s because a diagnosis alone doesn’t make anyone a bad person.

In the years since my diagnosis, I’ve done lots of hard work to make myself into a better version of myself and build a life worth living. In fact, I’ve done so much work that my therapist says I no longer even meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder. Yet the news of Amber Heard’s possible diagnosis during this week’s proceedings shook me nonetheless because I know it’s going to perpetuate the stigma associated with BPD — a stigma that haunts the 2 percent of the world population who live with this disorder.

So whether you’re newly diagnosed and terrified or a “borderline veteran” who is used to the harmful words people use to describe us, I want you to remember this: Your borderline personality disorder doesn’t make you a bad person. A label doesn’t define you. You are still a person worthy of love and acceptance.

Getty image by UserGI15613517

What Is Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder?

Quiet borderline personality disorder (BPD) is not a recognized subtype in terms of diagnosis; rather, it’s a term that refers to people who meet the criteria for diagnosis of borderline personality disorder but who don’t fit the typical profile.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Borderline personality disorder is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.”

Whereas the typical presentation of BPD involves angry outbursts and obvious and outward self destructiveness, those with quiet BPD have internalized emotional episodes (they turn their anger inward).

For this reason, quiet BPD tends to go undiagnosed or is misdiagnosed. This illness is also sometimes referred to as “high-functioning” BPD.

However, this name is a misnomer. Although these individuals may seem to cope fine with the demands of daily life, they are in fact living a private experience that is anything but functional.

Symptoms of Quiet BPD

If you are wondering whether you or someone you know might be struggling with quiet borderline personality disorder, it can be helpful to read over some of the common signs and characteristics. The truth is that quiet BPD can be harder to identify than typical BPD as the signs are often not outwardly obvious.

For example, while a person with typical BPD might show outward signs of rage, a person with quiet BPD might turn that rage inward and engage in self destructive behaviors.

Similarly, a person with typical BPD might have crying fits or throw tantrums, while someone with quiet BPD will become moody and withdrawn. Listed below are the some of the most common characteristics of quiet BPD:

Having unhealthy boundaries
Becoming obsessed with a specific person and wanting to spend as much time as you can with that person
Self isolation or avoidance as a form of self protection when you are feeling overwhelmed
Self harm that is hidden from others so that they don't suspect that something is wrong
Being mean to others in a quiet way (e.g., giving the silent treatment)
A feeling of hopelessness all the time (e.g., existential angst)
Inwardly directed hostility, anger, or aggression (e.g., having a harsh internal critic, self harm)
Having a poor self image or rapidly changing self image
Intense fear of rejection
Mood swings that can last hours to days (but that appear invisible to outsiders)
A pattern of idealizing others and then devaluing and discarding them
Taking small things personally (e.g., assuming someone is ignoring you)
Not being able to read others (e.g., thinking people are mad at you when they are not)
Racing or distorted thoughts
A fear of being alone or pushing people away

Self sabotage that holds you back from reaching goals
Experiencing a feeling of being “triggered” that leads to uncontrollable internalized emotions (e.g., shame, guilt)
Having a hard time talking about your feelings
Feeling numb or empty inside
Derealization (feeling as though you are living inside a dream)
Problematic people pleasing (that causes problems in the long term)
Feeling as though it is wrong to have the emotions that you do (which results in trying to suppress them)
Feeling as though you are in a state of hypervigilance

Diagnosis of Quiet BPD

Quiet borderline personality disorder is diagnosed according to a list of symptoms in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). In order to be diagnosed, you must meet five of the following nine criteria (paraphrased):

Engaging in frantic efforts to prevent actual or perceived abandonment
A history of unstable relationships that involve idealizing and then devaluing a person (called “splitting” or black and white thinking)
Having an unstable identity or image of yourself
Problems with impulsive or risky behavior
Frequent self harm or suicidal ideation
Rapid/frequent mood swings and the experience of intense emotions
A chronic feeling of being empty
Feelings of intense or uncontrollable anger
Dissociation (disconnecting from your self, having an “out of body” experience)

While quiet BPD is not an official diagnosis, the use of this term denotes a subtype of borderline personality disorder that tends to turn symptoms inward rather than outward (which makes it less obvious). Because of the hidden nature of quiet BPD, it often is misdiagnosed as something else (e.g., depression, social anxiety, autism) or takes longer to diagnose because of the lack of classic symptoms.

Most clinicians think of the borderline personality disorder case as being angry and explosive, but these individuals are instead quiet and hurting.

People living with quiet BPD may feel misunderstood and receiving a correct diagnosis can feel as though a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. If you are wondering if you might meet criteria for BPD, you could ask yourself the following questions:

Do you have bad mood swings that can last days, but nobody around you really knows how you are feeling?
Do you feel guilty or ashamed a lot of the time, even though others might tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about?
If you have a conflict with someone, is your go-to response to blame yourself?
In relationships or friendships, do you have a tendency to idealize someone but then eventually decide that you don’t like them anymore (even if you don’t outwardly let them know)?
Does it feel as though you are separate from everyone, empty, or numb all the time?
Does it sometimes feel as though you are watching yourself go through the motions or like your life is “surreal”?
When you get angry, do you have a tendency to push it down or suppress it?
Do you feel like a burden to others or that you are just taking up too much space?
When people hurt you, do you have a tendency to cut them out of your life rather than try to discuss what happened?
If you get upset, is your tendency to go into withdrawal mode and not talk to anyone at all?

Causes of Quiet BPD

Are you wondering what might cause quiet BPD? In fact, the causes are similar to the causes of typical BPD. Below are some potential causes of this type of personality disorder.

A family history of personality disorders (hinting at a genetic susceptibility)
Experiencing abuse, neglect, abandonment, or trauma during childhood
A history of another mental disorder (e.g., eating disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, substance abuse)

While there are no specific causes that would result in quiet BPD vs. typical BPD, it’s likely that one’s personality or temperament influences how the disorder manifests in terms of outward symptoms or inward symptoms.

In addition, a child who was berated for talking too much or being a nuisance, might turn inward instead of outward.

Complications of Quiet BPD

Those who live with quiet BPD will experience secondary effects of having this personality disorder. This might mean having another mental health disorder, experiencing difficulties in relationships, or falling apart when faced with challenging life circumstances.

Below are some of the common compilations that can arise if you are living with quiet BPD:

You may find that when you are in relationships, the other person tends to end things because they cannot handle the impact of your symptoms
You may be at risk for engaging in risky behaviors such as overspending, using substances, or risky sex
You may have trouble building deep connections with other people
You may experience other mental health disorders (e.g., generalized anxiety, depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse)
You may lack friendships or connections with other people
You may have trouble expressing yourself in a relationship (e.g., alexithymia, or trouble recognizing or describing your emotions) which can cause feelings to fester
You may experience suicidal thoughts
You may struggle with perfectionism or the feeling that you need to appear successful and independent
You may struggle to manage hardships like job loss, financial instability, divorce as this can cause your sense of self to crumble
You may end relationships abruptly and end up hurting the ones you said you loved

You may feel as though you are afraid to be alone but at the same time you continue to push people away
You may avoid relationships altogether as it is safer not to even try
You may have confusion about your identity, beliefs, values, and what you like

Treatment of Quiet BPD

Some people with quiet BPD may feel as though they do not deserve help because their problems are “not that bad.” Perhaps you appear to be functioning in most areas of your life, and to all outward appearances things mostly seem to be fine. However, the truth is that there are multiple effective treatments that can help with the symptoms of quiet BPD. Below are some options to consider.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a form of talk therapy aimed at modifying unhelpful thoughts and behaviors that perpetuate the problems that you are experiencing. Specifically, a CBT therapist will have you keep thought records to examine your thoughts and look for distortions such as “black and white thinking” or “emotional reasoning.”

Then, you’ll be asked to generate alternative adaptive thoughts to use instead. Over time, gradual practice of examining your thoughts and being mindful of thinking errors is helpful for getting control of racing thoughts and reacting to your perceptions of situations rather than the situations themselves.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically for the treatment of borderline personality disorder. The objective of DBT is to teach you mindfulness strategies to manage stress, emotions, and distress. The goal is to improve your ability to relate to others without engaging in self-destructive patterns.

DBT teaches you that your feelings are important and that you should share them (even if that hasn’t been your tendency in the past). You will also learn about the “wise mind” and how it can help you to calm yourself.

Schema Therapy

Schema therapy combines a variety of different therapeutic approaches and has an emphasis on relationships. It was designed specifically for people with personality disorders, making it potentially helpful for those with quiet BPD.

A schema refers to a filter through which you view the world or your patterns of relating to other people (that you may have developed in childhood).

The goal of schema therapy is to work on these patterns that are causing you emotional distress so that you can find ways to get your needs met in more healthy ways.

Psychiatric Medication

Although there are no medications specifically approved for BPD, you could be prescribed a medication to cope with a related issue such as anxiety or depression.

Mentalization Based Therapy (MBT)

Mentalization refers to your ability to think about your thoughts, emotions, and needs as well as those of other people. During mentalization-based therapy, which is a form of psychodynamic therapy, you learn how your internal events can have an impact on what you do.

Thus, the goal of therapy is to improve your ability to reflect on your internal experiences and those of others.

For example, you might learn to see the difference between how you perceive a situation (that someone is rejecting you) and the actual event (a mild criticism). This process leads to better control over emotions and a better sense of self.

Transference-Focused Therapy (TFP)

Transference-focused therapy is another form of psychodynamic therapy that uses the relationship between the client and therapist as part of the therapy process. It is thought that how you relate to your therapist will in large part play out the same way as how you relate to other people in your everyday life. And, it’s likely that this way of relating to others developed during childhood with your earliest relationships.

The goal of the therapist is to figure out what patterns of interactions that you bring to therapy mirror how you behave out in the world.

Once these are determined, then your therapist has a better sense of how you feel, think, and interact with people in your day to day life. The goal of therapy is to develop a more emotionally mature self that experiences less internal volatility.

Coping With Quiet BPD

Below are some tips to cope if you are living with quiet BPD:

Confide in someone you trust and let them know you sometimes engage in self harm. Tell them what situations trigger you and work together to make a plan to identify these triggers and choose an alternative coping strategy (e.g., writing on your skin instead, snapping an elastic band)
Reach out to a professional if you are struggling and have not received professional help.
Adopt a healthy diet and regular pattern of sleep.
Be mindful of your emotions and check in with yourself every few hours and ask yourself how you have been feeling. Write in a journal every night about the emotions you experienced that day and how you coped with them.
Increase your tolerance for uncertainty by writing down possible explanations for uncertain events (e.g., if someone has not responded to your text, you could write down that they might be busy)
Use positive coping statements, self talk, or affirmations to manage your emotions.
Identify some self soothing activities that you can do to feel better such as practicing mediation, listening to music, or even a hobby that you enjoy.

Helping Someone Cope With Quiet BPD

Perhaps you have recognized quiet BPD in someone you love or that person has already been diagnosed. What can you do to help support that person? Below are some supportive strategies to help the person with quiet BPD:

Listen and be sympathetic. The person with quiet BPD isn’t likely to open up about their emotions, so they need you to ask the right questions and be a good listener.
Ask questions. and try to listen and understand the emotions that they are experiencing rather than getting bogged down in the stories about what happened. Again, you need to be a detective and get at the underlying emotions.
Validate their feelings. and let them know that they are being heard. A person with quiet BPD is more likely to stuff down their emotions, so it’s even more important to show them that it’s okay to feel what they are feeling.
Help them practice self-soothing strategies. by making them a cup of tea, playing calming music, or getting them involved in an enjoyable hobby.
Set healthy boundaries. Avoid making threats or ultimatums.
Consider making a family therapy appointment. If the person won’t admit that they have a problem, consider making a family therapy appointment and going together.
Encourage them to use mindfulness techniques. Suggest meditation and deep breathing.

Celebrate smaller wins. Understand that they may take small steps rather than make big progress. Celebrate those wins so that they keep going.
Take care of yourself. Manage your own stress and don’t put their needs ahead of yours or you will end up depleted.

A Word From Verywell

While it’s true that others won’t necessarily understand the degree to which you are living in despair with quiet BPD, it’s also true that it’s no less painful just because it’s not visible. In fact, one could argue that because of the hidden nature of BPD it’s almost more painful to deal with because you are often dealing with it entirely alone.

Not only that, but for many people with quiet BPD, you may have spent your whole life not realizing that there was a name for what you are experiencing or that it’s not just your “personality” or how you are naturally programmed to react. While it’s true that some parts of your experience of BPD are likely influenced by your personality, a personality disorder is not just a “way of being.” Instead, it’s a dysfunctional way of thinking and behaving, and there are solutions if you are willing to put in some time.

Finally, be aware that many people in your position are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all. Even though this disorder is poorly understood and not often identified, that doesn’t mean that it is not treatable. If you fail to get anywhere with your family doctor, make an appointment with a mental health professional who specializes in borderline personality disorder. Expertise and experience are critical when it comes to choosing a treatment provider in this case.

How does a borderline react to no contact?

Along with high emotions - the borderline partner's fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won't be able to cope and will seek retribution.

Do people with BPD Gaslight?

Certain personality types tend to be more manipulative than others. People with borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and sociopaths are more likely to gaslight those around them.

Do people with BPD get obsessed with people?

They may quickly enter into relationships, or have intense relationships with others. People with BPD may act impulsively, with intense mood swings. The condition may have a negative impact on a person's relationships. People may feel an extreme closeness to another person, which may then suddenly change to dislike.

How do you respond to BPD provocation?

In summary, be relentlessly respectful of BPD's suffering, abilities, and values. Be humble without disrespecting yourself or your own well being. Be honest. Communicate an expectation that someone with BPD will be able to behave in a reasonable and cooperative manner, and play to his or her strengths.