Boyfriend doesnt want me to travel without him

1. Posted by Lisa2014 (Budding Member 2 posts) 7y Star this if you like it!

Hi there,
I am wanting to go on a trip to America with one of my close teacher colleagues at the end of the year (4 weeks) . My partner of 2 years has made it clear to me before that he does not want me to go on any long holidays, especially with out him.

He purchased a block of land a year ago for quite a bit of money and wants to build on it. He wants me to go in on the house and use my savings to contribute. Therefore, He would view me going on this holiday as selfish because he is struggling for money, and I will be off holidaying. I have only been working full time for a few years and have only just saved enough money to be able to do a decent trip. I would have liked to have gone with him, but because he has purchased this block it isn't an option. He believes I need to prioritise my life. I feel terrible as I don't know how I'm even going to approach the situation?! I do feel bad and like I'm letting him down. I also however, don't want to miss this opportunity to go as I have worked hard to save my money.

2. Posted by Sander (Moderator 5808 posts) 7y Star this if you like it!

Did he ask your permission beforehand about buying the piece of land? Did you in any way give him the impression that you were a full partner in that endeavour? Do you have some kind of financial contract stipulating that your respective earnings are to be used for the two of you together?

Assuming the answers to the above are "no", if he's struggling for money due to buying this piece of land, and he's now expecting - without any prior agreement from you - that you solve that, then that is what I'd call selfish. He should've waited with buying until he could actually afford it, or done this as an equal partnership together with you (consciously, rather than just assuming you'd be a part of it without actually consulting you about that). You are not going to be letting him down. He has already let you down.

Obviously I'm getting a very onesided view on the situation here, but from what you describe, I think you need to make your partner realize that you are your own person, with your own life, capable of making your own decisions, and that if he wants to have input on those decisions, then that's taking the relationship (presumably) quite a big step further, and he should be prepared to give you an equal amount of input on his decisions. ...and even then, I'd tell him that such a situation will start after you've gone on this trip which you've been saving up for. He might see it as just a "holiday", but I suspect you see travelling a quite a bit more - as something which will give you experiences and impressions which you just can't get at home, which will enrich your life immeasurably, and which will help you do your own prioritisation for many more tough decisions to come.

3. Posted by Lisa2014 (Budding Member 2 posts) 7y Star this if you like it!

Hi Sander,

Thank you for taking the time to respond

At the time of the block purchase we weren't in a good place relationship wise. I had said to him that I believe the block is too expensive at this point in our lives (400k) . He went and purchased it any way as his parents thought it was a good piece of land.

You are right about the travelling, it is more to me. I want to experience what out of just my everyday norm.

Thanks again you words have helped!

Choosing to travel without your partner is still considered controversial by some. One writer explains how it’s strengthened her relationship

I could have sailed the world four times over in the time I’ve been with my partner – and we’ve navigated almost as many stormy seas enroute (warning: more doubtful metaphors ahead). Like any good ocean voyage, we’ve steered the ship and drunk rum together; and we’ve battened down the hatches when a squall whips up overhead. But happily, neither of us has had to stay on the same boat that whole time, otherwise it definitely would have capsized by now.

So when Flash Pack research found that nearly half of Brits in relationships are thinking of travelling solo, I wasn’t surprised. For years, I’ve been using travel as a means of getting a little leg room in my long-term relationship. This habit started off with a lengthy backpacking trip in my 20s, then press trips in my job as a journalist took over – mixed up with the occasional adventure with friends and family members.

Whether by luck or circumstance, a certain amount of separate travel has always been part of the way my husband and I do things. Here’s why it works:

Travelling alone is a promise not a threat

I’m always amazed by couples who see travelling separately as some kind of bad-blood endorsement. The implication being: if things were all good, why on earth would you choose to holiday apart?  In fact, travelling apart is a statement that speaks to all the attributes of a healthy relationship – including mutual trust, independence and the ability to support one another’s passions.

Say you routinely feel insecure or stifled by your partner’s actions. In this context, travelling solo would be tricky; but it’s the relationship, not the act of travelling alone, that raises a red flag. Travelling apart will test rocky relationships and strengthen the ones that are already rock-solid. So in that sense, it’s a good litmus test on where you stand together.

You get to focus on other relationships

Studies show that as we get older, whether or not we have a romantic partner becomes less relevant to how lonely we feel. Having friends, and feeling part of a community, however, is crucial to happiness and health (to the point that we live longer as a result).

It’s easy to get insular in a long-term relationship; you fall into the habit without even knowing it. But travelling minus my other half has allowed me to reinvest in other relationships in my life. It’s the equivalent of reframing my vision, having looked inwards for a while. And whether I’m with a childhood friend, my sister or new pals made on the road, that chance to readjust is both rare, and always a good thing.

It’s a deeply practical option

I don’t know about you, but my partner and I have quite different wish lists when it comes to travel. He’s more a big, open, rugged (often cold!) landscape kinda person. I’m more beach and tropical cities. Sometimes they coincide; and if so, great. But often they don’t. Coupled with the different amounts of annual leave and working schedules that we have, we’re left with two options.

Either we leave our dream destinations out of the equation. Or we make good on the moment and find different ways to fulfill them. Compromise in a relationship is a good thing but it shouldn’t mean leaving your bucket-list moment high and dry somewhere, just because your beloved doesn’t want to do it. That’s a one-way road to resentment.

Instead, by travelling alone I can have the best of both worlds; achieving what I want without missing out, or – worse – strong-arming my partner into squandering cash/time on an ambition that’s not really his.

The benefits work both ways

Travelling separately in a relationship is an indulgence that extends both ways. When I’m away, it’s a great excuse for my partner to play pinball at top volume, stink out the house with burgers (I’m a veggie) and generally let loose on habits he’d normally reign in for the sake of a peaceful life.

Meanwhile, I get to spend hours at a left-field photography exhibition or by a pool in 30°C sunshine without worrying that he’s bored/burnt. Everyone’s happy. Travelling alone doesn’t exclude the option of travelling together, either. We’re not doing one at the expense of the other; instead, we can take on both – and one makes the other better.

You put a lid on lazy reliance

I always swore that I would never become dependent in a relationship. But the truth is, anyone who’s been together as long as we have will naturally become more reliant. I lean on my partner for all kinds of things that I don’t think twice about; someone to sound out with my work problems; to back me up when I’m feeling unsure; even to get me out of bed in the morning with a cup of tea. Mainly, though, I’m just used to him being there.

Going somewhere without him forces me to examine who I am outside the context of my significant other. I remember things I like to do that have nothing to do with him. But more importantly, I’m forced to rely on myself and just myself (you know, being an adult and all). Tapping these latent skills via solo travel pushes me out of relationship complacency.

Distance irons out the kinks

Contrary to what soap operas would have us believe, trouble in paradise doesn’t often come in the form of explosive issues like infidelity or fraud. Instead, it’s far more likely that your relationship will erode through a drip-drip effect of niggling problems and frustrations, that, over time, place you in two entirely different camps.

I truly believe that no couple was made to be together 24/7. Living in one another’s pockets breeds a neediness that spells a fast-track ticket to Splitsville (as my showbiz friends would say). So gaining distance by travelling apart is useful in itself.

More helpfully however, it gives me perspective on the things that my partner and I don’t see eye-to-eye on, before they threaten to overwhelm us. With a broader view, and head space, I can approach problems in a new light; often I come up with a solution, or realize that I’m overreacting. This is true of all issues in life, but particularly relationship ones.

Coming home is the best

Call me superficial, but coming home – with all its elation, hugs and presents – may be the most underrated part of travelling alone in a relationship. I don’t mean this in the sense of a cheesy chalkboard quote. But simply, it takes the edge off post-holiday blues.

My partner and I have developed a bit of homecoming ritual now, whereby I bring gifts and he buys a bottle of bubbly. It’s not unlike a small-scale Christmas. Together, we go over everything that’s happened since we’ve been apart, rifle through photos and plot the next adventure we’ll do together.

It’s hard to put a name on what this routine adds, but it’s an entirely different dynamic from when we both come home from somewhere. It’s more fun and full of appreciation. Because when it comes down to it, (a bit of) absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Images: Shutterstock, Vincenzo Landino on Unsplash

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